Mr. Matthews – A Poem

Today is the last day of school before break. Actually, there are some more days before break, but I’m not going to those days so it is the last day for me, okay? On the last day, we always have a Christmas party. We have to write a speech and read it to class. Sometimes, kids will rap their speech. Sort of like K-Kwik. I don’t do it like that. The girls will usually say something stupid and no one listens. I usually wrote a poem. One Time I wrote it about Donkey Kong and some elves and Jose Canseco. That was a good poem, but Mr. Matthews didn’t listen to the important parts. He just started talking about Donkey Kong to the whole class. I know everything about Donkey Kong! For example, I know they used to have it at the OLD Godfather’s Pizza, but this was before that Godfather’s closed down. There is a new Godfather’s, but it doesn’t have Donkey Kong. It doesn’t even have Ms. Pac-Man. Ms. Pac-Man, if you can hear me: This is Travish, and everybody misses you.

I wrote a poem for my class. This time, everybody listened. even the girls (remember, they are dumb). I think that everyone wanted to hear my poem because it was good, but I also did this to make SURE everyone listened:

“LISTEN TO MY POEM ITS ABOUT MR MATTHEWS”

I told them if they listened carefully, they would hear the truth about Mr. Matthews. I also told them this poem was haunted. This poem is not really haunted because only houses are haunted you idiot. But I told them that and they sure listened.

I just remembered I bet I sent that poem about Donkey Kong to everyone on Twitter but I didn’t get many comments. I think people just forgot to read it or I would get even more comments. I don’t remember if I got a Re Tweet.

When I read Twitter I just shake my head because Twitter is just pathetic. Twitter: You need Travish. Without Travish, would you even be Twitter? No you would not.

Most of my poems are the best poems on Twitter. This poem is not the best poem on Twitter but it is the best PICTURE on Twitter. When you combine the picture and the poem, THEN it becomes the best poem on Twitter. (It is KIND of like a Transformer if you think about it). On the other hand, There is another picture on Twitter that I drew of a woman in her bathing suit and it is probably a better picture than this if you know what I mean. Think about that.

I also wanted to tell you That Greg is an idiot.

Mr Mathews Said. By Travish the King Jericho
My names not really Travish the King Jericho, but if you see Chris Jericho tell him thats my name.

Mr. Mathews Said
Report on Hemmingway!
It was due yesterday
Instead I read Double A
And just threw away
the old man in the sea
And watched NWA

Mr. Matthews Said
“F.” this is my final decision
let’s not have another collision
Do your long division
But I drew with great precision
My favorite wrestler
The champion of television

Mr Matthews Said
There better not be a delay
Your grade is not okay
your brain needs an x-ray
But I wrote a poetic display
about the man
that beat Magnum T.A.

Mr Matthews Said
What are you going to be
When you reach maturity?
You will be a nobody!
I gave him a DDT
That hurt him exactly
Like Arn Anderson
Breaking Santa’s Knee

Merry Christmas Mr. Matthews.

Arn Anderson celebrating Christmas
Arn Anderson celebrating Christmas
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The Donkey Kong Family Mystery

Who are these other Donkey Kongs? I will not answer that question in this paper.
Who are these other Donkey Kongs? I will not answer that question in this paper.

This is my paper on a historical mystery.  What is my mystery?  I am about to tell you.  When am I going to tell you?  Soon.  Are you ready?  Break it down!  D-GENERATION X!!

I am going to talk about the mystery now, ok?  Here it is.  I am about to type it.  I am typing it now.  The historical mystery I am writing about is the mystery of Donkey Kong’s family.  What is the mystery you ask?  The mystery is how are the Donkey Kongs related?  Is it the Donkey Kongs or is Kong just their last name?  That’s a mystery to but it’s not the one I’m talking about.

I know what your thinking.  Isn’t there just one Donkey Kong?  No you idiot!  There are AT LEAST three members of the family and probably more than that.  Think about it.  What did you think?  You thought that there was Donkey Kong, Donkey Kong Jr., Donkey Kong 3, Donkey Kong Country, and other games that no one cares about.  But the Donkey Kongs in those games aren’t always the SAME Donkey Kongs.

In Donkey Kong, Donkey Kong is not really a donkey, that’s just his name.  And you get to fight him in this video game.  He steals Pauline.  You play as Jumpman and you try to save her.  No matter how hard you try you never save her.

In King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters they play Donkey Kong.  Billy Mitchell sells hot sauce and wears a American flag tie and set the world record in Donkey Kong in 1982.  In the movie Steve Weeb breaks the record but they disallow it because there is a white gummy substance on the right half of the right side of the board and he got the board from Mr. Awesome.  Twin Galaxies won’t recognize Mr. Awesome’s missile command score.  Then Steve Weeb got a Donkey Kong kill screen.  Billy Mitchell got mad when Steve Weeb and Foot Division guy go to eat at his restaurant.  Foot Division guy abbreviates.  Do you abbreviate?  Do you say Paperboy or Paper?  Steve Weeb broke the record at the end of the movie.

P.S. King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters is a primary source for my paper and Mr. Matthews said we needed primary sources.

P.P.S. I have the second highest score in Ms. Pac-Man in the world.

Second of all, that is Donkey Kong.  In Donkey Kong Jr. you play as Donkey Kong Jr.  He is the son of Donkey Kong and that is a fact because it says so in Saturday Supercade.  Is Saturday Supercade a primary source or a secondary source?

In Donkey Kong 3 you play as Stanley the Bugman and you have to spray bug spray on Donkey Kong.  Is this the SAME Donkey Kong from Donkey Kong.  I say absolutely yes.  Stanley the Bugman was in a episode of Donkey Kong on Saturday Supercade.

In Donkey Kong Country you play AS Donkey Kong.  You also can play as Diddy Kong if you really want to.  At the beginning an old gorilla is on top of some beams.  That is the original Donkey Kong!  Then a DIFFERENT Donkey Kong comes and knocks him off the beams.  That is the Donkey Kong you play as in the game.  This new Donkey Kong is the grandson of the original Donkey Kong.  He is the son of Donkey Kong Jr.  Is he Donkey Kong the 3rd?  But how is Diddy Kong related to the Donkey Kongs?  Who cares about Diddy Kong you dumb jerk!

I know this information about the Donkey Kong family tree is right because I asked a libarian and she found a picture on Google.  There were other Donkey Kong family members but those are from other games and are stupid, ok?

In conclusion, the Donkey Kong family is like this: Donkey Kong à Donkey Kong Jr. à Donkey Kong from Donkey Kong Country.  Case closed.  Thank you my name is Travish.

Travish’s Guide to Stealing Cable

homerstealscable

Hello followers my name is Travish.  And today I am going to talk to you about how to steal cable.  How do you steal cable?  That’s my question.

One time I asked a librarian how to steal cable.  She said “I certainly can’t help with that. I don’t believe there are any books on that in the library.”  WELL I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU BELIEVE!!!  I just want to watch 48 Hrs and Another 48 Hrs on VH1 you idiot.  Also someone on Twitter said there showing a Friday the 13th marathon on IFC.

Then I told her the library should buy a book about how to steal cable, maybe “Stealing Cable For Dummies.”  She said she looked and there is not ANY books about stealing cable.  I said when I figure it out I will write a book about it and the library can buy it.  She said “There you go!”

Well library, this isn’t a book, but I WILL sell it to you.  My price is $200,000.  That is non-negotionable.

I asked another librarian about if it is dangerous to steal cable.  She said “The ropes themselves are made of actual rope, with a strengthening wire on the inside.  Coating each rope is a layer of foam, with a colored tape to hold it all together.  Make no mistake about it, these ropes are pulled extremely tight, thanks to the turnbuckles.  The ropes are also a little painful to run into, and if you don’t know what you are doing they are even worse.”

So if you steal cable, you better be careful if you run into it.

If I steal a cable, how do I know if I’m getting Time Warner Cable, AT-AT Uverse, Comcast, or some other kind of cable?  I want the one with the most channels.  That’s all I’m asking for.

In conclusion, that’s how you steal cable.  it’s all out there. All you got to do is figure out a way to go steal it.  Thank you for watching.  Until next time, my name is Travish.  What will my name be next time?

The History of the Midnight Express

Loverboy Dennis, Jim Cornette, and Beautiful Bobby at a library
Loverboy Dennis, Jim Cornette, and Beautiful Bobby – The Midnight Express.  Pictured here at the library

Listen to this song while reading:

Hello this is Travish.  This is my paper on the history of the Midnight Express.  Who are the Midnight Express?  I haven’t gotten to that point yet.  When I get to that point, you will know.

Ok the Midnight Express were a tag team from the 80’s.  Some say they were the greatest tag team of all time.  I say it’s either them or the Rock ‘n Roll Express.  Tony Schiavone said the Andersons.  WWE would probably say something stupid like Sahwn Michaels and HHH.  Vince McMahon, if you are reading this, you are a COMPLETE IDIOT.  Also, tell Stephanie I hate her and she is stupid.

I did research for this paper.  I asked a librarian about the Midnight Express.  The librarian gave me a ECNYCLOPEDIA link.  Not Wikipedia.  Encyclopedia. Continue reading The History of the Midnight Express

X-Men Movies – A Literary Criticism

Here is a naked picture of Jennifer Lawrence
Here is a naked picture of Jennifer Lawrence

This is Travish’s literary criticism paper for Mr. Matthews’ class.  I am Travish so don’t even think I copied it from someone else named Travish.  If I did that, I would sight Different Travish as a source.

Your literary criticism paper is to be no less than four (4) and no more than six (6) pages typed in Times New Roman 12 point font.  In this paper you are to carefully examine and evaluate a work of literature, making an analytical argument about your chosen topic.  Make sure that you critically engage the subject and address one or more of the core issues we have discussed in class.  Use of secondary sources is highly encouraged.

I didn’t write that part.  Those are the instructions for the paper (Mr. Matthews’ Instructions 1).  So Mr. Matthews wants me to criticize a work of literature.  I am doing that now.  Right now.  There is no tomorrow (Apollo Creed 1).  (Also Van Halen For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge 1).

Second of all this paper is about the X-Men movies.  That is the topic I pick for literary criticism.  Am I going to criticize the X-Men for Mr. Matthews’ class?  Nuh uh!  I don’t care what your instructions say Matthews, I like these movies so I won’t trash talk them.  I will trash talk you though.  You are stupid.  You don’t even know something.  And you lost bet with the janitor about the NCAA Tournament.

Literary criticism definition. Continue reading X-Men Movies – A Literary Criticism

The Autobiography of Travish

This is my autobiography assignment for Mr. Matthews’ class.  If you have any questions about me after you read this, then READ IT AGAIN YOU IDIOT.

Listen hear you idiots, my name is Travish and I am going to tell you something you did not know.  How did I know you did not know it? Probably because you are just dumb.  Dumb like a jerk.

This story is my autobiography and it is for an assignment.  Mr. Matthews said he is grading it for effort, not for content.  Mr. Matthews, that’s so stupid I don’t know where to begin.  I guess I’l just go from the beginning to point number two (2).  Second of all why would you not grade the content?  The best part about this is if you don’t grade for content then you can’t deduct points for all the times I will call you a numpty.  Where did I learn the word numpty?  I will tell you in this autobiography.  This paper will be full of stuff you don’t know.  You don’t know anything so maybe you shouldn’t even be a teacher?  Maybe you shouldn’t even be a teacher’s assistant?  Maybe you shouldn’t even be an assistant coach for the basketball team?  Maybe you should just stop what your doing because i’m about to ruin.

Thank about that. Continue reading The Autobiography of Travish

My Personal Reflection on National Doughnut Day

KKD16005_NDD_FB_EventCover_851x315_f

This is my personal reflection paper for Mr. Matthews’ class.  Did I go to his class today? NUH UH!  I went to get a free doughnut.  And to the game room.  But I did this paper so Mr. Matthews can grade it and not give me a F in his class.

Today is a historic day.  What is today?  Today is a day that will live in infamy.  Today is National Doughnut Day.

What is National Doughnut Day?  It’s the one day of the year when you can get a free doughnut!  Not just any old doughnut, but one from KRISPY KREME.  You could probably get a free one from Dunking Donuts or Sheetz or somewhere else, but I wouldn’t do that.  Would you do that?  I wouldn’t do that unless there isn’t a Krispy Kreme within a 100 miles.  Then you could do that.

One time a libarian got mad at me because I asked which came first, National Doughnut Day or National D-Day.  Well I thought he got mad but then I looked it up and he didn’t seem mad like I remembered.  He did think I should think about National D-Day more and National Doughnut Day less.  Idiot.

Also he said National Doughnut Day came before National D-Day.  I learned that today but I forgot I already knew it.  If you learn something and then realize that you already knew it but you had forgotten it does that mean that you have learned something new?  In this situation I learned something, and I learned that I had already learned it, so I learned two things.  That should be extra credit, Matthews.

In conclusion, second of all it is National Doughnut Day and I’m wasting my time writing this when I should be getting free doughnuts.  That’s right, doughnuts, not just one doughnut.  I am going to go back in a disguise.  I have a Batman mask and those Krispy Kreme people will probably think Adam West is there BUT NO!  It will be Travish.

Did TV Really Use to Look Like That?

They could watch TV on the microwave in the 80s?
They could watch TV on the microwave in the 80s?

The world has changed a lot since the Cold War.  That is indisputable fact (Fact).  But in some ways it has not changed.  In what ways has it changed?  It what ways has it not changed?  That’s not the point of this paper.  This paper is supposed to be about technology advances since the Cold War.  It is specifically about the way TV looks and how it has changed since the Cold War.  That’s my point exactly (Travish).

Have you ever been watching TV and they do a flashback?  Example: I was watching the NCAA Tournament and they showed a flashback to 1982 when NC State won a NCAA Tournament (TV).  But it didn’t LOOK good.  Not the way they played, it was the image quality that wasn’t good.  I wondered if TV really looked like that back then?  Does anyone know if TV really used to look like that?  THAT is what this paper is about.

Second of all, I must define the Cold War.  There wasn’t snow everywhere like that place in Star Wars, it was called Cold War for a DIFFERENT reason.  “The Cold War rivalry between the United States and the Soviet Union that lasted for much of the second half of the 20th century resulted in mutual suspicions, heightened tensions and a series of international incidents that brought the world’s superpowers to the brink of disaster,” (History.com).  These incidents included U2 trying to have a concert in Russia, Ivan and Nikita Koloff beating the Rock & Roll Express for the tag team belts, and the death of Apollo Creed.  The Cold War was ended when Rocky avenged Apollo’s death and defeated Ivan Drago IN RUSSIA (Rocky IV).

Many scholars believe that this incident is what led to improvements in TV (many scholars).  TVs used to be big, deep boxes.  Now TVs are flat screens with High Definition.  Sometimes the screen isn’t flat, it is curved.  Also, TVs are rectangles now, but they used to be squares.  A square is a rectangle, but a rectangle isn’t always a square.  TVs now are always rectangles but they are never squares.

Whenever you see a flashback on TV it doesn’t look very good.  Except in LOST, then the flashbacks look like normal TV.  So it doesn’t always look bad, but it usually does, OK?  Another time flashbacks don’t look like TV does today is on WWE Network.  In the flashback to the first blood match between Dusty Rhodes and Tully Blanchard it looked bad.  But that match was better than any match on WrestleMania 32, so does that mean that worse TV quality equals better matches?  Does it mean that since LOST’s flashbacks looked normal it wasn’t a good show.  Or is it just that the flashbacks on the rest of TV don’t look good because they got old and dusty?

After all of these questions, I have found the answer.  When my dad wanted to play Donkey Kong Country, it looked really bad on the flat screen TV.  So he bought one of those old, big, square TVs from the janitor at the library.  My dad is a dumb jerk.  On the old TV, Donkey Kong Country looks great!  A librarian said there are ways to improve this experience on a modern TV by using a converter (gamesradr.com, nintendolife.com).  So I say they should have used a converter when they showed the NC State flashback.  Those IDIOTS!!

Well fans, there you have it.  It all depends on what TV you are watching TV on.  If you use a TV from the 80s, those flashbacks will look good.  If you are watching on a flat screen, it won’t look good.  And if you are watching on a curved screen, then it will just look pitiful.  Also, you could use a converter just like if you were playing Super Intendo on a flat screen.  That’s all the time we have left, until next time my name is Travish.  It will still be Travish until then too.  Thank you.

Sources:
Facts
Travish
TV
History.com
Rocky IV
Many scholars
Gamesradar.com
Nintendolife.com

How to Clean Soap

Well how am I supposed to clean this???
Well how am I supposed to clean this???

13:35 Travish How to you clean soap? i need this information quickly!

13:35 Janitorial Libarian How to you clean soap?

13:35 JL hello

13:35 Travish hello

13:36 Travish yes if a bar of soap is dirty, how do you clean it?

13:37 JL Baking soda is your friend when it comes to soap scum. Sprinkle a large amount of baking soda on a cloth or sponge, dampen and scrub. For tougher soap scum build up you can also try making a paste out of baking soda and vinegar. Let the paste sit on the stain and then scrub. The acidity in the vinegar will help break down the dirty soap

13:37 Travish so i need to get alot of baking soad, thats good to know.

13:38 Travish THANK you for your help, my name is Travish and i have to attend to something RIGHT now!

13:39 JL ok, bye bye!

—-
Travish’s Commentary:
I’m glad this worked because I used the whole box of baking soda and now I need some soap to clean up this mess!

Contacting the Undertaker

Does anyone know how to contact him?
Once I got suspended for doing the Tombstone Piledriver on some kid in class

20:46 Travish i need the undertakers address and email address (this is for a class)

20:47 Celebrity Contact Libarian Hello. Undertakers are usually associated with a particular funeral home. Are you looking for a particular undertaker? In what location?

20:47 Travish yes, the undertaker. he lives in death valley i think

20:50 CCL I suppose you’re referring to the wrestler?

20:50 Travish yes, Mr. Matthews told me i need his address and email address

20:52 CCL The Undertaker’s real name is Mark William Calaway. I’m checking to see if I can find any contact information for him.

20:53 Travish thanks!

20:54 CCL Here is one link that refers to his address but I cannot vouch for its accuracy: http://www.celebritydetective.com/The-Undertaker-Mailing-Address.html

20:55 Travish excellent thanks! do you know his email address?

20:55 CCL Here’s his Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Mark-William-Calaway/162171273832657

20:56 CCL Here’s his Twitter: https://twitter.com/markwil_calaway

20:57 CCL That’s all I can find for him. I hope that helps.

20:57 Travish do you think i could ask twitter to give me his email address? i know you need an email address to sign up for twitter

21:00 CCL I doubt very much he would give out his email address. Here’s the agency that claims to represent him (his agent). Maybe you could contact them: http://www.athletepromotions.com/speaker/the-undertaker.php

21:00 Travish ok THANKS for your help!

21:00 CCL You’re welcome. Good luck.

21:00 Travish my name is Travish

Travish’s Commentary:
I told Mr. Matthews to Rest In Peace and he told me he can only rest peacefully when I’m not around.